The World According To Toddlers

Clint brought a book home tonight that I plan to give to a co-worker who is expecting his first baby soon. I browsed through it was was laughing out loud. The book is called "The World According To Toddlers." It is like the authors were sitting in our house when they wrote it. A few excerpts:

Ten likely causes of a tantrum:

1. You picked out a shirt with buttons.

2. You won't let toddler wear one shamrock sock and nothing else.

3. You put a purple lid on an orange sippy cup.

4. You pushed the garage door opener instead of letting Toddler push it.

5. You put Toddler in car seat.

6. You tried to take Toddler out of car seat.

7. You mentioned the words "car seat".

8. Sibling looked at Toddler's toy.

9. You did not let Toddler buy sixty-one ounce bag of marshmallows.

10. You wouldn't tuck Toddler in for the tenth time.

Potty Training Basics (Tips for Toddlers BY Toddlers)

It is best to remove all clothing before you use the toilet.

Wiping is optional-always.

The ideal times to go to the bathroom are when you and your mom are in a pool, in the car during a traffic jam, when you are about to check out at the grocery store, and when you finally get to the front of a very long line at an amusement park.

You and only you must flush the toilet. EVER.

Beware of public toilets. They will suck you down when you flush.

Note- if you are not ready to poop on the toilet, just poop in your pull-up. Do not announce your intentions to anyone; instead, hide in a corner and crouch behind something, then go to work. If your mom sees you she will just think, "Oh, he is hiding and has a very serious look on his face." SHE WILL NOT GUESS WHAT YOU ARE ACTUALLY DOING.

A Toddler's Ideal Restaurant

Welcome to Toddler Cafe! Let me show you to your table. What? No, no no. There are no chairs here. You simply wander around while you eat. If you'd like to dine naked, that's perfectly fine.

Napkins? I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about.

Our special tonight is fish. Goldfish crackers, to be precise. Personally licked by the chef.

You will find appetizers on the ground.

If you don't like your food, simply open your mouth and let the food fall out on the table.

If you like the look of your neighbor's food, by all means steal it.

May I interest you in juice? Refills are immediate and endless.

Oh, yes: When you are done, let us know by vigorously wiping all the remaining food off your plate and onto the floor. Enjoy your meal!

On opening new toys:

Unless you have a college degree in mechanical engineering, don't expect to open a packaged toy without spilling some blood, testing the bounds of your patience, and exposing your child to some four letter words.

Picture of a dad attempting to open a toy dog while screaming "AAAAAAARGH! F#&*ing puppy! Get the &%* out of this packaging!" as the child smiles, giddy with the excitement of the new toy.

Good stuff. Happy to report that Preston is past SOME of these stages, but not all of them. And I'm SURE Callie will be the perfect toddler. Right?? RIGHT?