The World According To Toddlers

Clint brought a book home tonight that I plan to give to a co-worker who is expecting his first baby soon. I browsed through it was was laughing out loud. The book is called "The World According To Toddlers." It is like the authors were sitting in our house when they wrote it. A few excerpts:

Ten likely causes of a tantrum:

1. You picked out a shirt with buttons.

2. You won't let toddler wear one shamrock sock and nothing else.

3. You put a purple lid on an orange sippy cup.

4. You pushed the garage door opener instead of letting Toddler push it.

5. You put Toddler in car seat.

6. You tried to take Toddler out of car seat.

7. You mentioned the words "car seat".

8. Sibling looked at Toddler's toy.

9. You did not let Toddler buy sixty-one ounce bag of marshmallows.

10. You wouldn't tuck Toddler in for the tenth time.

Potty Training Basics (Tips for Toddlers BY Toddlers)

It is best to remove all clothing before you use the toilet.

Wiping is optional-always.

The ideal times to go to the bathroom are when you and your mom are in a pool, in the car during a traffic jam, when you are about to check out at the grocery store, and when you finally get to the front of a very long line at an amusement park.

You and only you must flush the toilet. EVER.

Beware of public toilets. They will suck you down when you flush.

Note- if you are not ready to poop on the toilet, just poop in your pull-up. Do not announce your intentions to anyone; instead, hide in a corner and crouch behind something, then go to work. If your mom sees you she will just think, "Oh, he is hiding and has a very serious look on his face." SHE WILL NOT GUESS WHAT YOU ARE ACTUALLY DOING.

A Toddler's Ideal Restaurant

Welcome to Toddler Cafe! Let me show you to your table. What? No, no no. There are no chairs here. You simply wander around while you eat. If you'd like to dine naked, that's perfectly fine.

Napkins? I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about.

Our special tonight is fish. Goldfish crackers, to be precise. Personally licked by the chef.

You will find appetizers on the ground.

If you don't like your food, simply open your mouth and let the food fall out on the table.

If you like the look of your neighbor's food, by all means steal it.

May I interest you in juice? Refills are immediate and endless.

Oh, yes: When you are done, let us know by vigorously wiping all the remaining food off your plate and onto the floor. Enjoy your meal!

On opening new toys:

Unless you have a college degree in mechanical engineering, don't expect to open a packaged toy without spilling some blood, testing the bounds of your patience, and exposing your child to some four letter words.

Picture of a dad attempting to open a toy dog while screaming "AAAAAAARGH! F#&*ing puppy! Get the &%* out of this packaging!" as the child smiles, giddy with the excitement of the new toy.

Good stuff. Happy to report that Preston is past SOME of these stages, but not all of them. And I'm SURE Callie will be the perfect toddler. Right?? RIGHT?

5 Months and A SUPER Weekend

I took Preston to the Kansas City Zoo today with The Nelson clan, and we got to see SPIDERMAN!!! Preston was all talk before we got close to him- telling me all of the things he wanted to say to him. But when we were in the presence of the great super hero, he lost all of his speaking abilities. So funny. Got a few good pics and a little video, but my video camera wasn't working right so the video isn't the best. I missed most of their "talk". Spiderman was amazingly good with all of the kids. Would definitely go see him again!They were exchanging super hero secrets here. A little ride on the carousel. BudsA polar bear in Kansas??? Yup! There she is! And Callie turned 5 months old today. Pictures are fuzzy because our real camera broke, so my phone has been a poor stand-in. She is getting her little personality, that's for sure! She is rolling all over the place, eating her feet (and rice cereal), sleeping a bit better at night, and loves to watch her big bro. Can't believe she is 5 months already- maybe it is the lack of hair, but I think she still looks like a 2 month old!
Chatty Callie


Meeting Spiderman

Busy Busy!

Too busy with the beginning of a new school year for many posts lately, but here are some videos to tide you over.
"Googlie Bear" (a little song we sing for Callie)

First food for Callie- we tried it for the first time a few days ago, and she is like an old pro now!

Rolling over- she still doesn't roll from her tummy to her back much, but she does this all the time now!

This last one is pretty amazing, methinks. I asked Preston to 'read' to me tonight. He always says, "BUT I CAN'T READ, MOM!" I convinced him to try it tonight. This book is called There's A Nightmare In My Closet and it was mine when I was little. (I LOVED it!! So much that I had to tape it together for Preston to be able to use it.) To be fair, we have read it many times, but last night was the first time we had read it in a while. This is him reading it to me tonight. And he seriously knows almost every word. The boy has his father's memory, thank God! I can't remember what I had for breakfast today.

Here are the REAL words, so you can see how well he does: There used to be a nightmare in my closet. Before going to sleep, I always closed the closet door. I was even afraid to turn around and look. When I was safe in bed, I'd peek...sometimes. One night I decided to get rid of my nightmare once and for all. As soon as the room was dark, I heard him creeping toward me. Quickly I turned on the light and caught him sitting at the foot of my bed. "Go away, Nightmare, or I'll shoot you!" I said. I shot him anyway. My nightmare started to cry. I was mad...but not too mad. "Nightmare, be quiet or you'll wake Mommy and Daddy," I said. He wouldn't stop crying, so I took him by the hand and tucked him in bed and closed the closet door. I suppose there's another nightmare in my closet, but my bed's not big enough for three.

4 Months

Callie had her 4 month check-up today. She decided to make it interesting for me by having a poop EXPLOSION in the car on the way over. I, of course, didn't notice until I got her out of her car seat in the waiting room. The poor brand new mom sitting next to me was mortified by what she saw. There was literally poop up to her shoulder blades. I was prepared with an extra onesie, diapers, and wipes galore. (New mom commented on how calm I was...I wanted to tell her that sh*t happens, but instead made some remark about kids enjoying giving their parents a challenge. She looked terrified and tired, and asked me if things like that happen a lot. I lied and told her no, all the while trying to keep the mess off my elbows, Callie's head, and the floor.) I ended up being forced to ask new mom for some MORE wipes because I used all of mine. (Taking the poop-covered onesie off caused the disaster to transfer to more locations than just her bum and back.) It was also nicely spread all over her car seat. Needless to say, the onesie did not survive the day and was tossed out with the rest of the carnage. The lesson I learned today? Always carry the extras mentioned above AND a plastic bag to dispose of the disaster. Sorry, people who used the public restroom at that office building today, for the smell that must have come from that trash can.

But I digress...

Here are her stats from the check-up:

Head 16 inches - 50th percentile

Weight 13lbs 5oz- 50th percentile

Height 26 inches- 90th percentileShe is a HAPPY girl, as long as Mommy is in view. Just ask the babysitters we have had lately...

She loves to:

-eat her hands-all.day.long.

-kick and hit things on her playmat

-have tummy time while looking at the ridiculously CUTE baby in the mirror

-roll over (both ways), but still isn't doing it consistently

-listen to Preston's plethora of noises

-listen to Mommy singing

-stand and explore things on her exersaucer (this is new this week)I have LOVE LOVE LOVED spending my summer with her and am sad to go back to work next week. I'm sure I'll be more traumatized by it that she will.These two pics are from the doc's office today. I swear she is laughing because she is so proud of herself for ending my summer with a blow-out!Some tummy time